I Wanna Live!

So after disappearing from social networks for a few days, I wanted to share some of the things I learned.  Not all of them are directly related to abortion, which was the reason I asked friends to consider the world if I hadn't been born.  Not all of it was related to what difference it would have made if I hadn't been born.  Yet all of it was significant in some way, and I don't think I could've discovered it playing on Facebook and Twitter.

Any year before now, I couldn't have possibly asked friends and family to imagine a world without me.  The reason, up until recently, I'm not so sure I really, honestly saw value in myself.  I certainly can't say I pictured Wantagh, Berkeley Heights or South Plainfield becoming Pottersville in a timeline without my existence, but I'd probably say more people have been affected positively than negatively from knowing me, and that might be a breakthrough for me.  No wonder the musical creative juices have been flowing.  It wouldn't be bubbling up with ideas if I didn't believe there was something worthwhile in the measures I've composed, and I'm very impatient to record it.  I'm very uncomfortable with the concept of not existing, and to tie it in with the whole reason I asked others to picture life without me, not one child conceived yet waiting to be born deserves not to have that same chance I had.  It will take more than laws, but that's part of it.  It will take more than people offering alternatives, but that's part of it.  It will take more than people in the industry saying, "I can't do this anymore," but that's part of it.

I learned I spend too much time Facebooking and Tweeting.  It has its purposes, but I should cut down.  In a way consistent with the mentality I've had since the Christmas season ended and the altars at churches were comparatively stripped down, back to basics.  I learned I can get a heck of a lot of housework done when I'm not sharing a meme or reading the umpteenth article about why one party is good and the other party is bad and you're stupid if you don't agree.  I can also pray all twenty decades of the Rosary between loads of dishes and laundry, and that's more likely to bring about miracles than even the most brilliant meme generators out there.

I learned, while following my workout routine, that I can now do thirty pushups.  That's probably not a lot by any stretch of the imagination, but it's more than I could ever do before.  To say at 39 that I can do more pushups now than when I was 20 is another way of saying the best is ahead.  It's also a great feeling to have my wife put her hand on my arm, do a double take, squeeze my arm and give a look that says, "Wow!"  I don't take any performance enhancers, but I think my ego got put on steroids after that.

I learned that in a two year old's mind, simply occupying space can be considered a high crime, punishable by shoving and an occasional head-butt.  In addition, a four year old Aspie child's sense of morality is far superior to almost anyone out there.  How many kids or even adults would respond to fairly regular torment by screaming out loud about said tormentor, "I love him so much!!!"  Yep, my boy is getting started early on storing up heavenly treasure, fighting meanness with love.  I could learn something from that.

I don't know if disappearing for a few days got anyone else to stop and think, but it got me to, and maybe that was the whole reason God let me run with that idea, that while urging others to find worth in all life, I could find it in my own.  To all who followed this little exercise, I hope you know what you're worth.  Whether you're family of mine, friends, people I've never met in person but who are Facebook friends or Twitter followers, someone browsing the blogosphere or an agent from Homeland Security spying on this devout Catholic, pro-life, Tenther, traditional marriage advocating guy, I hope you know how much you're worth in God's eyes.  I hope you find that value in yourself, and then don't forget to see it in all others, born and unborn.

And with that said, Clarence, I wanna live again!

It Could Have Been a Wonderful Life

The year 2013 will be a milestone year for me, as I will be turning 40 this August.  There have been a lot of good days, bad days, great days and awful days for a nice mix that I think I can look back on and say it's always been interesting, and I pray there's a lot more to come.  But what if there's not?  As a matter of fact, what if I never had these forty years?

For those who have not seen, "It's a Wonderful Life," the main character, George Bailey, gets to see what life would have been like, how the world would have been, if he had never been born.  It's not a pretty picture, as all the people he helped, and in some cases whose lives he saved, never had the benefit of having George Bailey in their lives.

Something else will hit the 40 year milestone this year, the Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision that overturned all state laws regarding abortion and claimed it was legal in all 50 states.  Norma McCorvey, the plaintiff in that case, later had a change of heart, and is among many trying to overturn the case that has devastated our land.  Over 55 million children, through surgical and chemical means, have been denied the most fundamental right, life, from which all other rights flow.  In terms of sheer numbers, we have outdone Hitler's concentration camps and Stalin's Siberian camps combined.

Each year, as the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade approaches, the fact that my birth year is soiled by this decision both saddens and enrages me more.  The fact that I will be 40 this year, while several hundred thousand who should be blowing out the same number of candles this year cannot, and while thousands more die daily, a numerical Sandy Hook every couple minutes, is unacceptable to me.  There are times I want to cry out to God, "Take me, and let them live.  I'm worth no more than they are."

I don't think God is going to oblige me on that intention.  Maybe He knows I need a lot more purification before taking me home.  But it got me thinking, what if I never had been born?  Three other children by extension never would have existed, as I was never around to conceive them.  Any family and friends, strangers who benefitted from a good deed I may have done, those interactions, lessons learned, good times had, love given, they all would have never occurred.  Maybe it's time to try that, never having been born.  Take the day, January 22 of each year to express solidarity with those who never had a birthday.  Make your absence known in some way.  Personally, I'm starting small.  I'll be disappearing from Facebook and Twitter from January 22-25 (the date of the March for Life).  If other people got involved and did it for a week, it could almost be a pro-life version of "going Galt."  Imagine contributing nothing on behalf of those never given the opportunity to contribute.

I had a lot of concern going public with this, as I know many of my friends and family disagree with me on the abortion issue.  I may get unfriended in some cases, especially in the cases of friends who may have had abortions or possibly worked in the abortion industry or simply are offended.  That's a risk I feel is worth it if getting the message out saves one life.  To those who might unfriend me, know that I love you, and I'm not looking to judge any person, but rather an action, which is completely different.  There's nobody alive who can say, "I'm not a sinner," without lying.  If you've had an abortion, performed abortions, contributed financially to fund abortions, God is waiting for you.  He is waiting to pour out His mercy on you, and embrace you, and say, "Welcome home, beloved child!"  Even if you shut me out, let Him in.

I've said my part in these last few minutes before I change the timeline.  I am not Benjamin Mankowski.  I was never born.

Am I Sure? Only If I'm Positive

I started off this year with the determination that if I planned to make any progress spiritually, personally, musically or politically, I needed to forget about New Year's resolutions, except for one, to come up with manageable "New Month" resolutions throughout the year.  I don't want to discuss them publicly, as I feel they should be between myself, my wife and my Lord.  However, I will say I have come up with five.

I have completed one, which I feel okay sharing, probably because I've completed it and can feel good talking about it.  I finished a song, technically two, as I had started on one in December.  One was a Christmas song, the other an anthem for liberty.  No sooner do I manage this than my guitar student's dad tells me he got recording equipment for Christmas, and to feel free to come use it to lay down some tracks.  I have a feeling that's going to work its way into New Month resolutions in the coming months, but I must fight my severe ADHD and stick to the month at hand.  Still, this is good, as with age 40 looming in seven months, I've been feeling severely under accomplished and negative.  The remedy?  Shut up, stop complaining, define some concrete goals and get my butt to work on them.  Seeing a friend's blog talk about posting a video of one song a week, coupled with this January goal, got me thinking writing one song a month would be a good goal for me, so thanks, Carl.

As for my other January resolutions, I have started on the other four.  One will probably take a day, and I can do that next week.  Another will simply take some asking around, and given my shyness when asking for help, actively asking for information will help me attack what has always been a major contributor to a lot of my troubles.  The other two, well they require setting aside some quiet time, another one of my weak points, especially with the combination of teens and toddlers under our roof.  Still, all doable if I stay dedicated and positive.

I have some other things that, while not originally part of the plan, when I came across them, my thought was, "That's probably a good idea too."  One involves the need to figure out how to work around being a nighttime employee, because my work with the New Jersey Tenth Amendment Center has suddenly yielded unexpected attention.  I've had different groups asking, whether definitely or tentatively, if I can give a presentation on nullification and interposition.  I'm assuming at least some of them will want me to do it on a weeknight.  In addition to figuring out scheduling, I suppose I need to address my dread fear of public speaking.  To give an idea how bad it is, at last year's Nullify Now event in Philadelphia, and at a town hall meeting Governor Christie gave in my town, I was hyperventilating and dizzy after participating in their Q&A sessions.  The other, I found out about the Fab Abs workout, and decided to give it a try.  It mainly focuses on building core strength, which has not been one of my strong points.  The first week seems easy, while the second week is pushing me.  I look at the end of the month and wonder what I got myself into.  But I don't plan on assuming I can't do it.  If I find out I can't, it will be because I threw myself into it and just wasn't at that level...yet.  I figure future months I can stick to maintenance when I get my core strength up and focus on jump starting building legs or arms.  In the meantime, I've had a lot less back pain, so I must be doing something right.

So often, I've looked at life in terms of whats I've missed and why.  The answer finally came; I've spent most of my almost 40 years watching life happen, and I've been afraid to take on challenges because I've doubted myself too much.  That kind of thinking has made me internally old before my time, and I need to spend my coming days getting younger.  No more watching life happen.  It's time for me to get out there and make it happen!  If I expect God to guide my footsteps, I think it's fair to say He's going to expect me to get up and get walking.